Tomorrow we will go to court.  A judge will have read through a series of reports discussing whether my husband and I are fit to be adoptive parents.  The paperwork will also talk of whether Ryan, our sweet 15 month old boy, is adoptable.

We pray for favor, an adoption order that will officially declare what our hearts already believe: he is ours. But I recognize that I do not have a guarantee of how this is going to play out.

Over the past year, I am sure that Titus and I have cut down a small forest of trees in order to fill out the required paperwork for authorities. We have met with attorneys, been interviewed by an adoption agency and children’s department, and sat through multiple court sessions. Our motives have been questioned. Our bank accounts have been reviewed. We have gone to doctors for physical examinations and a counselor for psychiatric evaluation. Our lives, marriage and home have been thoroughly reviewed.

We have been thanked and praised for our commitment to care for Ryan by some while others have accused us of things no short of child trafficking.

There have been really hard and beautiful aspects of this journey. And while some parts have felt unnecessary, all of it is worth it for Ryan.

Oh, I hope and pray for favor tomorrow, but this journey of being a mama has made me aware of how little I really control. I have recently been sitting with these words, written by Erin Loechner: “I used to think the opposite of control was chaos. But it’s not. The opposite of control is surrender.”

And so I find myself asking: how do I open my clenched hands once more?  To surrender to the God who sees and knows and cares more about Ryan than I can even begin to imagine. To release my fears to the God who longs to give good gifts to His children. To believe that God is working all things for our good and for His glory…